From under the pier.

From under the pier.

Friday, November 28, 2014

El Tapatio and Chalula, a Family Affair

The courtyard was alive on the day of the wedding. The fiesta was in full swing. Tamales and enchiladas began the rivalry between these two families. However, the love of their two most recognizable members brought them together. A civil tongue was kept between all in attendance, but as the beer began to flow, the underlying spice of the situation became unsettled.
An undeniable rift existed between the family of El Tapatio and the family of the beloved chalula. The whole problem was instigated by Texas Pete. On a drunken night in America, someone had introduced Chalula to Texas Pete. The two initially hit it off well, but as the night wore on the mix became unstable. The next morning the asshole that put them together, wound up getting burned. Needless to say, El Tapatio was pissed when he found out that Chalula had spent the night with Texas Pete.
If it hadn’t been for the war between the two families, El Tapatio would have called off the whole engagement. Bound by his honor, and a commitment to the world of spice, he settled for calling his friend from Louisiana known as “The Hot Sauce” to handle Texas Pete. Louisiana “Hot Sauce” had a reputation for ruining nights and afternoons by dropping “bombs” into people’s guts. Having heard Texas Pete’s reputation he called his hot headed cousin to the north, Toby, owner of the company Toe Bask Co. The pedicure supply company offered a perfect money laundering front for his organized crime association. They were known for “Bringing the heat down” on competing gangs.
When Toby and “Hot Sauce” came for him, Texas Pete fled west to California. He was hurt and infuriated that El Tapatio would take out a hit on him over a hot night with Chalula. Texas Pete vowed to make both of them sick with loss before their wedding night. He was joined, in league, by two Asian mobsters. Se Racha, who was known for his quick kick style business, and Was-A-Bee, who managed to hang on to his name after killing the man who made fun of his accent while he was trying to ask, "What’s a Bee?” these two giants in the hard hitting western mob front had a reputation for making anyone to underestimate them pay dearly.
As the wedding commenced, tensions rose to a scorching boil between the families of El Tapatio and Chalula. They completely lost their cool and broke out into a riot as Was-A-Bee and Se Racha rode in on a horse, named Raddish, spraying pepper spray everywhere. The families were instantly at each other’s throats spitting fire in their angered shouts. It didn’t help that both sides were completely sauced.
Local law enforcement showed up with riot gear, lead by the infamous Marshall Frank “Red Hot” Mitchell. Knowing that tensions between these two bosses of sauces were already at each other’s throats, they began launching tear gas into the riot that flooded from the nice courtyard into the village streets. The riot was soon joined by members of the Picante family, lead by their overly aggressive paternal leader, Pace.
The three families fought a heated battle through the streets that lead to the destruction of five homes, three grocery stores, fifteen vendor stands , thirty bathrooms, and one liquor store was completely cleared out, but not defiled in any other way.
In the mayhem, Se Racha and Was-A-Bee fled back to the border, and were caught by border patrol on their horse, Raddish, with several empty cans of pepper spray. After being captured, the two mob bosses accused Texas Pete of offering a monetary sum to cause the family of El Tapatio pain.
There was an investigation launched on the outlandish claims that surrounded this fiesta fiasco, spear-headed by Marshall Frank Red Hot himself. He was joined by Interpol agent, La Victoria, to help bridge any gaps between the U.S. and Mexico’s bi-lateral agreements.
In all of the mayhem that ensued in Azteca Mexico, only one fifty-seven year old man, by the name of Heinz, was killed. When asked about this death the members of the Picante family simply said that he was "too mild for the business." A funeral service for Mr. Heinz will be held in three days.
This investigation, of bizarre nature, lead to El Paso where Texas Pete was found at a chili cook off, and was immediately thrown out. Toby, owner of the Toe Bask Co., is still at large. Officials say that there is too much vinegar in that case to make anything stick.
“The Hot Sauce” from Louisiana was caught by La Victoria, who chased him for a while before he accidentally got dropped into a large bowl of gumbo. The family who made the gumbo was so distraught after eating it, that apparently all parties involved were treated by Dr. Pepto, and Dr. Bismol for life threatening indigestion.
La Victoria thanks Marshall Frank “Red Hot” For his assistance in spotting the Louisiana “Hot Sauce.” Marshall Frank was in the process of marinating some fresh hot wings at a local wings restaurant, as his cover, when the culprit was spotted.
Since this upstart, El Tapatio and Chalula have called off the wedding; and vowed never to be figuratively “on the same shelf.” A new rivalry between the families has started about who will be “top shelf.” Mr. Pace Picante was incarcerated for disturbing the peace and adding fuel to the flame. When asked about it he simply replied, “I’m a chip off the old block.” The Tostito family has yet to respond to this obvious cut at their profession.
The culinary profession in Mexico and the southern United States has felt the impact of this horribly heated clash. Some may never recover from the ulcers created by this heated battle between these spicy families. Anyone who has any information on the development of future violence in this peppered rivalry is urged to contact Marshall Frank “Red Hot” or agent La Victoria at 800-RED-SAUCE.

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